Sean M O'Brien ~ Jokes

19 Things that it took me 50 years to learn

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hair style.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that amateurs built the Ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

3 Old Ladies

Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

4 Stages of Life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

65 Great Bumper Stickers

1. Constipated people don't give a shit.
2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
3. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins: thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling!
12. Impotence: nature's way of saying "no hard feelings".
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken watch for finger.
15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
17. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
18. The earth is full - go home.
19. I have the body of a god Buddha.
20. This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
21. So many pedestrians - so little time.
22. Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
23. If we quit voting, will they all go away?
24. The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.
25. Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
26. Illiterate? Write for help.
27. Honk if anything falls off.
28. Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
29. He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
30. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
31. You! Out of the gene pool!
32. I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
33. Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
34. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
35. Fight crime: shoot back!
36. If you can read this, please flip me back over[seen upside down on a jeep].
37. Remember folks: stop lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 mph.
38. Guys: no shirt, no service - gals: no shirt, no charge.
39. If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hutt?
40. Necrophilia: that uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
41. Ax me about Ebonics.
42. Body by nautilus; brain by Mattel.
43. Boldly going nowhere.
44. Cat: the other white meat.
45. Caution - driver legally blonde.
46. Don't be sexist - bitches hate that.
47. Heart attacks god's revenge for eating his animal friends.
48. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
49. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
50. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
51. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
52. Saw it ... Wanted it ... Had a fit ... Got it!
53. My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
54. Grow your own dope --- plant a man.
55. All men are animals, some just make better pets.
56. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
58. Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship.
59. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
60. So you're a feminist...isn't that precious.
61. I need someone really bad...are you really bad?
62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache!

2000 BC - Here, eat this root.

1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A real reason to go AWOL!

As the sun rose over Paris Island, the Senior Drill Instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL! A search party was dispatched immediately! After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was returned to the base, and immediately escorted into the Senior Drill Instructor's office.

The Senior Drill Instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The young recruit replied, "The first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day here you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist. They proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day here you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, Sir!"

Apple and Microsoft engineers

3 Apple engineers and 3 Microsoft employees are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the Apple engineers buy only 1 ticket.

"How are 3 people going to travel on only 1 ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all 3 Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please?"

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy just 1 ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see?" answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the 3 Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the 3 Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Letters to Santa

Barbie's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and schoolteacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society,

I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

Ken's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues that could be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", and "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

Basic Rules For Driving in New Jersey

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
17. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
18. Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
19. Real New Jersey men drivers can remove their girlfriend's panties and bra at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
20. In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite New Jersey salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Bathroom Conversation

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one.

I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

Bear and Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word, walked out of class, and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

Brains

A man went to the doctor's office cause he was having terrible headaches.

The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000 and the woman's brain is $30,000."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"

The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

Bubbles

Once upon a time, there were 3 little ducks who lived by a peaceful pond. One day they got into trouble and were sent to Bob - the duck who was in charge of the pond.

The first one stepped up in front of Bob and looked at the ground. Bob asked, "What's your name?"

The little duck replied, "Duck."

"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bob.

"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck.

"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck waddled away.

The second duck approached Bob. "What's your name?" Bob asked.

The little duck replied, "Duck, Duck."

"Why did you get sent to me?" Bob asked.

"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck.

"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck Duck waddled away.

Now Bob was pretty smart and thought he had discovered a pattern. When the third little duck waddled up to him Bob said, "Let me guess, you're Duck Duck Duck?"

"No," replied the little duck. "I'm Bubbles."

Calories Burned While Having Sex

How much weight do we lose during sex? The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

EXAMPLES:
1 hour intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 minutes nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.
53 minutes of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 French fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM
Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS
Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE
If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER
If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT
Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION
Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME
Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS
Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top; man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS
Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS
Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off: 15
Statement didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX
"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

TRYING AGAIN
If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP
After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

SLEEP
Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER
In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a Jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED
With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who's very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL
Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

February 1st: Sex with Bob
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Bob: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Bob up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Bob: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160

College Final

At a university, there were four sophomores taking a chemistry course. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

Conversation with my friend

Bob: Ohh wow, this is strange.
Sean: what?
Bob: Go to http://www.weather.com
Bob: put in Philadelphia as the city
Sean: what about it?
Bob: put it in
Sean: I did
Bob: see all the cities that came up
Sean: yeah? what about it?
Sean: there are other Philadelphias out there
Bob: yeah, weird
Sean: type in Camden
Sean: Trenton
Bob: we are the only known Philadelphia
Bob: god damn
Sean: Harrisburg
Sean: I knew there were others
Bob: That's kind of crappy
Bob: I want to be the only Philadelphia
Sean: lol
Sean: you may have a problem achieving that however
Sean: as smart as I know you are, you still amaze me
Bob: don't even try and get Jamie started on that
Sean: he he he he he he
Bob: I know there is an Abington in MA, but that's just Abington. Philadelphia is unique, but now it seems not as unique.
Sean: we are the original though. you can look at it that way
Bob: sweet
Bob: good old Philadelphia...of PA
Bob: There's only one Philadelphia in PA right?
Sean: yes
Bob: I don't have to say, Good old Philadelphia...Of South Easter PA
Sean: Eastern
Bob: woops

Customers' Guide to Supermarket Shopping

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.
2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!
3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!
4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane, spending all that time looking for one and not finding any won't embarrass you.
5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed; get it right. If you're not sure just say "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.
6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious, and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.
7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt, don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.
9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are. Don't forget rule NO. 8
10. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.
11. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all, the clerk has to be polite-- but you don't have to.
12. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.
13. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item, and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their 'something' keys very often.

Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to heaven. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the comfort level in hell and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? Mistake! He should never have gotten down there, send him back."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

English Language

Let's face it! English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher pought? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

English language - Reasons why it is so hard to learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22. I want it to be on record that I will record my record.

Famous Last Words

I'll get a world record for this.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

What does this button do?

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it, and you light the fuse.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

What duck?

Oops. "C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there, what're we gonna hit?"---Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez

"Luke, I lied. William Shatner is your real father."--Darth Vader

"We don't have to worry about the Rover. That's no cliff."--NASA technician

"And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about--beeeeeeeep."

"Here I sit all broken-hearted."--Elvis Presley

"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?"--Insect

"Yoko, why don't you try to sing one?"

"Took your parking space??? Well at least I didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"

"Gotti, Schmotti--Get the Heck off my lawn!"

For those who take life too seriously

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like...night.

On the other hand...you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Fun thing to do

Go and find your woman.

Stand some distance from her.

Take your index finger (beside your thumb) and wiggle it for her to come to you.

When she gets close. Put your mouth up to her ear.

And whisper, "I just wanted to see if I could make you come with one finger."

Genie

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, Let me see that fucking map!"

Great Truths

About Life That Little Children Have Learned:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your brother or sister hits you, don't hit them back. Parents always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

About Life That Adults Have Learned:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

About Growing Old:

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
7. With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.

Hillbilly

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Woo! Woo! Woo!" he called into the cave and listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Woo! Woo! Woo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Woo Woo! Woo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woo! Woo! Woo!" Immediately,

There was an answering "Woo! Woo! Woo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!

It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Woo! Woo! Woo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read: "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

Hockey

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Denver suburb when one is viciously attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, wedges it down into the dog's collar and twists, immobilizing, stunning and rendering the dog unconscious. A reporter who was passing by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He starts writing in his notebook:

"Young Avalanche Fan Saves Friend From Brutal Dog Attack."

"But, I'm not an Avalanche fan." the little hero replied. The reporter replied, "Sorry, but since we're in Denver, I just assumed you were."

He starts over: "Little Bronco Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack."

The boy stopped him again saying, "I'm not a Bronco fan either."

"Well", said the reporter, "I assumed everyone in Denver was either for the Avalanche or the Broncos. What team do you root for?"

When the boy replies, "I'm a Flyers fan," the reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook: "Little Bastard from Philly Kills Beloved Family Pet."

How to speak like Philadelphians

Ackamee = Acme

Arn = Iron

Baffroom = Bathroom

Crown = Crayon

Dahnashure = Down the shore

Iggles = Eagles

Irregardless = Regardless

Jeet? = Did you eat?

Lannik Ciddy = Atlantic City

Lieberry = Library

Peanits = Peanuts

Pixture = Picture

Sanwich = Sandwich

Strawbury Wooder Ice = Strawberry Water Ice

Warsh = Wash

Wooder = Water

Winda = Window

Wit = With (as in cheesesteak with fried onions)

Witout = without (you get the picture).

How to wash the cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is enjoying this).
6. Flush 3 or 4 times, this provides power rinse which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

If Your Family Tree Doesn't Fork

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Interesting Stories

Ever Want to Curl Up and Die?
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" . . . I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld (go figure)

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts. "My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia

Priceless
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Diane E. Amov

Ask a child the same question too many times...
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had.

Investment

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Worldcom stock one year ago, it would now be worth $$5.00.

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Enron stock one year ago, it would now be worth $16.50.

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Miller Lite (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Italian Accents

One day I'ma gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. Inna morning I go downastairs to itta breakfast. I tella da waitress I wanna two piss toast. She bringa me onny one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to da toilet. I say you no unnastand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna da plate, you sonna ma bitch! I donna even know da lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.

Lata I gonna to itt atta bigga restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anna knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no unnastand. I wanna fock onna table. She say you betta no fock onna table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I gonna back to ma room inna hotel and there is no shit onna ma bed. I calla da manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me go to da toilet. I say you no unnastand. I wanna shit onna ma bed. He say you betta no shit onna the bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I gonna to the check out anna da man atta desk say, "Peace to you?" I say pissa on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Itily.

Life in Prison and at Work: A Comparison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.

Life's Reflections

Author: George Carlin

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Regan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

McGreggor

The old man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Noooo."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at this bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar-Builder? Nooooo."

The old man points out the window. "He, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooooo."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. He leans closer to the young man and says, "But ya fook one little goat..."

Moral

Ok picture this!
There is a pond.
On one side, there is a rooster.
On the opposite side there is a pile of grain.
Then on the third side there is a cat.
And across from the cat there is a mouse.
Now the rooster looks at the pile of grain
And thinks to himself, "I'm awful hungry."
And he backs up and takes a running start
And flies over the pond and lands next to the grain
And starts to eat it.
Now the cat sees the rooster do this
And thinks, if he can do it I can do it too.
So she walks back and gets a running start
And lands right in the middle of the pond.
WHAT'S THE MORAL OF THIS STORY?
Where there's a satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!

My Dog named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

Did Sex Make You Laugh?

On .44-Caliber Machetes:

Man shoots neighbor with Machete - headline in the Miami Herald

On Golf, Freudian Slips and:

I've got balls older than that. - Bob Hope, during a golf tournament, to a pretty Desert Classic woman, who told him she was 24. (he meant golf balls.)

On Things We Would Do if We Didn't Have the Warnings

Do not place hand in fan while fan is running.

One Liner

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of Pantyhose?

Now, think about it... Ready?

A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

One Liners

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why do we say something 'is out of whack'? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is it that a person who plays the piano is called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar isn't called a racist?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them? But if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you have to touch it to be sure?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If aliens are of a higher intelligence why do they always abduct the dumbest people?

If 7-Eleven is open 24 hours why are there locks on the doors?

Why do we drive on a park way and park in a drive way?

If a tree falls in the woods and lands on a mime, does he make a sound?

Oral Sex and God

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There're drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it. It's a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.

"Hmmm?" God said thoughtfully. "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity?" replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution?" God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."

Do you know what the letter said?

(Scroll down)

"No? You didn't get one either, huh?"

Perfection

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met, after a perfect courtship they had a perfect wedding, and their life was of course perfect. One snowy stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road distressed. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys when the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer)

The perfect woman survived. She the only one who really existed in the first place, everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as the perfect man. Women stop reading here, that's the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.

So if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why the car crashed. By the way if you are a woman and you are reading this, this illustrates another point.

WOMEN NEVER LISTEN EITHER.

Philly Cops

Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

Phone Fun

Customer answers phone call from one of those telemarketers with the "We have the lowest long distance phone rates" lines.

Customer: I'm glad you called! I've been wanting to get signed up for that new "nickel-a-minute" rate!

Telemarketer: Certainly, Sir! Just let me get some information from you.

Customer: Right, well, can you go ahead and tell me when I'll get my first check?

Telemarketer: What, Sir?

Customer: Well, since you're going to give me a nickel a minute, I wondered when I'll start getting paid.

Telemarketer: No, Sir, we don't PAY you.

Customer: You mean this is a FRAUD?

Telemarketer: No, Sir! It's just that we don't PAY you the nickel a minute. Let me let you talk to a supervisor.

....long conversation with supervisor...

Telemarketer: Now do you understand, Sir?

Customer: I guess so. Could we talk about the "friends-and-family" plan? I've always wanted a little brother.

*Click!*

Pickup lines that could get you killed

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U + I = 69?

How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

Proctologist

A gay guy falls in love with a proctologist. He goes to the proctologist's office and says he has an obstruction. So the proctologist sticks his hand up the guy's ass but can't find anything. However, he notices that the man has an erection, so the proctologist cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office. The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents.

When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!!!" the doctor exclaims, "No wonder you're in pain-there are two dozen roses shoved up your ass!" The gay guy turns around excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card!!"

Read the signs

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts.

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Redneck Hunter

A couple of hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Santa's Trip

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total-378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept) we are now talking about .78 miles per household. A total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second-a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload-not even counting the weight of the sleigh-to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison-this is four times the weight of the Roseanne.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
6. In conclusion - Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he is one amazing guy. Then again, who else can bring a smile to the meanest of humanity and add a slight lift to their step at this time of the year?

Science Fair

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical:

"Dihydrogen Monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2. It is a major component in acid rain.
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you.
5. It contributes to erosion.
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize-winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Sex and Marriage

To My Dear Wife:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to sleep with the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
6 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey ,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did ! not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Sometimes

Sometimes you will cry
and no one will see your tears...

Sometimes you will laugh
and no one will see you smile...

Sometimes you will fear
and no one will see you shudder...

Sometimes you will lie
and no one will catch you up...

Sometimes you will fall
and no one sees you struggle...

Sometimes you will be late
and no one seems to notice...

But fart just one time......

Speeding

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back!

"Have a nice day, Sir."

Speeding

A Police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too

Stupid Sign

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house; he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. Ok. No problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."

Stupid Warnings

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears's hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company...I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good Grief)

Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.

"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

Tampons and Cigarettes

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?".

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

Ten Best Things To Say If You get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

"Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken."

"Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"...........in Jesus' name, Amen."

Ten Things Men Know About Women

10. They have breasts.

The Boss

When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be "Boss?" The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss?" The feet said, "Since I carry man where he wants to go, and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss?" The hand said, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss?" The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss?" And so it went...with the heart, ears, lungs, and finally the "Asshole?" spoke up and demanded that it be made boss. All the other parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being boss. The asshole was so angered that he blocked himself and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish...the eyes crossed and ached...the feet were too weak to walk...the hands hung limply at the sides, and the heart and lungs struggled to keep going.

All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss...and so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the asshole 'Bossed' and just passed out a lot of shit.

Note: The Moral of this story is: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "BRAIN?" TO BE BOSS, "JUST AN ASSHOLE."

The Farmer

Author: Jamie Kauker

"What did the farmer say when he broke his tractor?

I broke my tractor.

The Princess Bride

A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

The Story of the White Gorilla

I think you may enjoy this interesting story about a very rare, white gorilla. I hear tell it is a true story.

A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel, he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo. When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage. After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage. He tiptoes into the cage and is amazed; the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla. Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time. The gorilla pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along. The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed by the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says:

"Tag, you're it!!

Things to do in Wal-Mart

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.

Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

Put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with Pokemon vs. the X-Men.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me! Pick me!!"

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, say in a loud outdoor voice while cupping your hands to your ears, "It's those voices again!"

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella it.

Things to say at work

Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but please feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here - I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I like you - you remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn!

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I?!? Flypaper for freaks!?!

I'm not being rude - you're insignificant.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office - it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made - others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume - must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

How do I get a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Things you learn from your children

There is no such thing as childproofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

A 4 year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.

A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

Duplos will not.

"Play Dough" and "Microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCRs do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Ottawa has at least a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (Unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Truck Driver

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie. The Truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either?" the cashier replied. "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.

Truisms

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

When you are stressed

Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.

Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?

Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

You!!! Off my planet!!!!

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I wish for world peace, harmony, and nakedness.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Here I am!!! Now what are you other two wishes?

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-fuck yourself!!!!

Just smile and say "yes, mistress."

Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a neurotic bitch like you.

A woman's favorite position is ceo.

This is a mean, fucking cruel world and I want my nappy and medication right now!

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the earth!

Earth is full. Go home!!

Is it time for your medication or mine??

And which dwarf are you?

Hello, tech support? Yes, how do I set a laser printer to stun?

Yankees Entering The South!

... In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter North Carolina or any other Southern State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it are called "clods."
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it,
5. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get you whipped - by our women.
6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatever, and wear your hair long, go right ahead -- but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
11. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our senior citizens with 'yes, sir' and 'yes, ma'am,' and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
18. We don't do 'hurry up' well.
19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.
20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 and 75 goes two ways - Interstates 10, 20 and 40 go the other two. Pick one.
22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe some pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat. Go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West, then I-35 North.
23. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is 'Sir,' no matter how old (or young) he is.
27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all 4 of them enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for beating up the flag burner. Now, enjoy your visit... I emphasize -- 'visit.'

Yellow Messages

My son often leaves yellow sticky messages for me on my computer monitor, things like "I need pencils" or "PTA wants money"... All manner of semi-important things I generally need reminding of get posted this way. It works. I usually take care of the message right away or by day's end if at all possible.

One day I went to the computer and found a yellow Post-it with the following note; "My Dixie wrecked." I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in. I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. My Dixie wrecked, my dixie wrecked... Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness.... It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave. I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely; My Dixie wrecked... Hmmm....I got up for coffee and muttered to myself; "My Dixie wrecked" I wonder what that means?

I even said it out loud a few times; "My Dixie wrecked! What's the meaning of that?

I even asked my Mom; I said to her; "My Dixie wrecked. What does that mean?"

I'd change the accents; my-dixie-Wrecked. My-dixie-wrecked. My-Dixie-wrecked. It was driving me nuts.

My son finally got home from school and I blurted out... "My Dicks Erect! What the hell does that mean?"

My son is such a creep. Sometimes I think he's even better than me.

You might be a redneck if...

Your baby's first words were "Rack Em".

You wear your Marlboro windbreaker to church.

The curtains in your living room are camouflage.

Your shoelaces used to be bailing wire.

You've ever been paid in Tomatoes.

You celebrate your bird-dog's birthday.

You hitchhiked on vacation.

You've ever purchased underwear and worn it out of the store.

You put beer on your cereal.

Your best shoes used to be someone else's.

Your wife has ever won money in a lumberjack competition.

Your biggest tax deduction was bail money.

You wore cowboy boots without socks.

You have a turkey decoy on lay-a-way.

You can't remember where your lawnmower is.

Your favorite recipe begins with "Go possum hunting".

Your coffee table is also a cooler.

Your idea of a night out is chasing dogs through a swamp.

There are more clothes on your floor than in your drawers.

There are hoof prints on your carpet.

You were wearing a John Deere hat in your senior picture.

Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor.

The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.

You're saving up to "gravel" your driveway.

The deer head over your fireplace is wearing your Mardi Gras beads.

You're naked on laundry day.

You've ever made love in a car...that was being towed.

You take a sidearm with you to the mailbox.

Your workbench used to be your front door.

The sheriff regularly speaks to you through a megaphone.

The best photo of you has a height chart as a backdrop.

You have a family portrait by a courtroom artist.

It is impossible to reach your trailer without getting your feet wet.

You try to make at least one crank call a day.

You've used food stamps on a date.

You've received a lifetime achievement award from a liquor store.

You've ever practiced someone else's signature.

You put Alka-Seltzer in cheap wine to get champagne.

You think common stock is a pig owned by more than one person.

You regard deer processing as an art form.

There were dogs in the church on your wedding day.

You've lived in three different homes at the same address.

You make your own soap in the same pot you make jelly in.

Your spring-cleaning consists of detonating bug bombs.

You can see your bottom lip without a mirror.

You list "staring" as amongst your hobbies.

Property downwind of your home is virtually worthless.

You were the inspiration for prescription-strength Bean-O.

The FBI has more pictures of your family than you do.

The only blood test you ever had was at a police station.

You wear a baseball cap to bed.

Your tools are worth more than your car.

You removed the bathroom door so you could watch TV from the commode.

You carry pictures of your coon dog in your wallet.

You steal the towels when you stay overnight with relatives.

Any of your children were conceived at a traffic signal.

You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun.

You've broken a speed limit in reverse.

You've had more wives than jobs.

You can open a beer one-handed.

Bloodhounds have ever tracked you.

Your daddy married your old girlfriend.

Your wife is turned on by the sound of a trolling motor.

You ever belched the words "not guilty".

The judge tells you that shooting crows is not community service.

You're Not In College Anymore When...

You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress-up.

Your parent's charge rent.

The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen, and cereal.

It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.

Three Words: School Loan Payments.

You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream car.

You start eyeing the Light Beer section appreciatively.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Sneakers are now weekend shoes'

Dinner and a movie - the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

Jack and Cokes become Dewars on the Rocks.

The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN, Sportscenter, and MTV News.

You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you owned while taking classes.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.(Just kidding)

You empathize with the characters from Friends.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN.

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just don't have the tolerance I used to."